DON'T THINK ABOUT IT #10

We all think about that this very significant day and once we do we start to think about our family and friends and even things on earth. My day is going just great, my football team won, I did another short film, I met a pretty girl by the name of Charlotte. Everything was just fine until this moment popped up in my head. 

Twenty years ago, I sat in my old apartment with my grandmother, my mom, my two oldest sisters and my younger sister. We all were just getting ready to go to the beach. I could hear my grandmother complain to my mom about not wanting to go the hospital for treatment. God, I wish I wouldn't have been creeping around at that time to hear that. It was a big deal, my grandmother means that much to me. I couldn't enjoy the rest of the day since she wasn't feeling well. It seemed like whatever pain she felt, I felt. My mom came up to me and asked what was wrong, I cried out and told her that I didn't want grandma to go, why she has to go to the hospital, she's gonna die. Because of so many television shows where the patients would die in the hospital, I was certain my grandmother would pass away. She yelled out, "Stop with that crying boy, everybody has to die someday" I said, "But grandma I'm gonna miss you, I don't want you to leave now, I want you to be there when I play in the NFL" That made her give me a big hug and ten dollars but the hug was much better.

Nineteen years ago, My little brother was born, and now I was no longer the only boy. I was mostly happy because my oldest sisters could not really pick on me anymore being that they had to babysit him  when my mom went to work. My grandmother was still alive, doing somewhat okay but everyday I was praying to God that she make it to see me grow. My little brother was so tiny, I didn't really get to see my sister as a toddler because I was pretty much a toddler as well. His birth made me realize that my grandmother was even a toddler too. I asked my mom about my great grandparents, if there were any photos or documents, anything. Sadly, my mom did not know her grandparents. I felt somewhat thankful because I knew mines but my mom didn't. I found out that my great grandparents had past away only a day before my grandmother had her first child, my mom. 

Eight years later, my grandmother is still alive, my brother is eight years of age and so annoying. My sisters had both moved out of the apartment and then I became the oldest in the house, and the one picking on my little brother and sister. I just graduated middle school and just entered high school. 

As I avoid the lines while walking to school, which every little kid did, I started to count the boxes and then started to count my days here on earth. When I got to school, I stole a calculator from off the principals desk and did some calculating. I found out that I was only on earth for less than five-thousand, one hundred and ten days being that I was not even fourteen yet. My birthday was late, December 16. Wondered all day in class how long my grandmother had been here. I needed a start, I did not even know my grandmother's age. She just would not tell me. All of that time flew by and I can remember further back the more older I get. Every year something comes back to me and it's interesting because I always think it's my little sister's story or image I'm seeing in my head but it comes clear to me that it's me.

I'm a big boy now, just turned fifteen and I'm playing football, I'm talking to girls, I got the coolest bike in the neighborhood. This is like the best time of my life. I'm doing everything, at least I think. I'm already wishing to be an adult. So I could stay out late, smoke cigarettes and drive a car. That was just how my brain had gotten brainwash from too much television. The best thing was that my grandmother was still alive. She was doing much better, laughing, walking, going on vacations. Whatever happiness she felt, I felt. 

Senior year in high school, two years later my mom had gotten pneumonia. She was in the hospital for a week. I had gotten so depressed and wanted to drop out of school to be with her. My grandmother was watching me but not even that could help me deal with the pain. I'm so attached to my mom and my grandmother. What rage I can get just by picturing someone hurting either of them. I took that rage out on the field, I didn't care about concussions, I didn't care about hurting anyone else, I just wanted to let all of the anger out.  After the game I cried because my mom had promise me she would be there and there she was, out of the hospital, with my grandmother. The thing was, she was still sick. She pretended she was feeling okay and got out the hospital just to watch my first high school football game. After that I became more and more emotional. I can draw very good but the only picture I can't draw is my mother or grandmother passing away. 

Six years later, today, I'm twenty four years of age, I'm a senior in college, could've been finished with college but I needed to be there for my grandmother and mother after high school so I waited two years before attending school. I had to make a sacrifice, the both of them made sacrifices for me so it was the right thing to do even though they told me not to. Anyway, I'm at the university I attend, planning the shooting dates of my film, emailing actors, revising the script, shooting music videos, taking photos, editing footage, writing tons and tons of papers for classes I really don't need. My day is going just great, my football team won, I did another short film, I met a pretty girl by the name of Charlotte. Everything was just fine until this moment popped up in my head. My mother is replacing my grandmother. My oldest sisters are replacing my mom. I'm replacing my oldest sisters. My grandmother is gone. Who's next?

Behind Why is Reason #9

Thou shall not lie but what do you say to a kid who believes in Santa, or to a girl who plans to throw a surprise birthday party for her mom. Do you tell a person they are a little over weight? I don't think so, you lie. Its something we humans can't get away from. This is why I sometimes think someone created the bible just to keep us in check.
Thou should not steal but what do you say to a homeless man who is starving, or to a thirteen year old boy who is poor, staring down at a hot piece of steak on the grill. I heard once of a man who robbed a store just for diapers and milk formula. A lot of people see things but never really put themselves in the perspective of it.
Its like blaming a student for hitting another student without knowing who started. Looking from outside in and not from inside out. I see this all the time. I'm pretty fair, and on the fence. I put myself in a person's shoes because I understand that motives colors the means. By the way, I heard that in my persuasion class.
I even put myself in the shoes of a rapist, I know its nuts but I do. I picture the rapist being some guy who's having a hard time with finding sex. I'm not justifying or saying that a guy should be able to rape women if he has a reason to rape women, I'm saying that I know why he's raping women.
He wouldn't harm a fly, yeah right. I bet if he was offered a million bucks he would kill the fly, squash it and all. That's how powerful money is and money is only powerful because it buys what's needed to survive.
People lie and say that certain things work for you, like pro active. Let's just put our selves in their shoes, what if pro active really did work. People would be able to use it one time and never have to buy it again, you think Pro Active want that? The answer is no. They want you to keep coming back.
We humans are funny beings. I like to observe things. This one time it was me and another person on the bus, a women. I pretended to drop my wallet without knowing and she said nothing. I laughed so hard inside because I knew if she happened to be on the bus with other people, she would have said something just to get brownie points for being a good samaritan.
Let's see what happens when there's a bus full of people. I try this and of course, about four people yelled at me, "You're wallet sir." Oh thanks, I didn't even realize it. By the way, I just lied, but that was to prove a pont. Do I go to hell for that?
I hate it when I actually do be nice, go out of my way to do a good deed but never have it happen to me. I lost my wallet with all of my info and no one bothered to give it back. Lost my phone, lost my harddrive. But I returned about, six phones, three wallets and many flashdrives and storage devices other students had left inside of computers.
Feelings has a lot to do with it at times. I know how it feels to lose all of your school work, papers, notes, pictures so I return things like that. I know how it feels to lose money when you have something to pay that's important so I return things like that. What about a person who never had his things stolen, he would probably not return them because he doesn't know how it feels. Or then again, maybe he will because it hasn't happened to him.
I can't kill anyone. The consequences are too big. But who thinks about that when revenge is on your mind, and a family member is shot and killed, in front of your face. The motives colors the means.
Survival, feelings, to make one self look good around others are....well I'm not gonna tell you why.

Confudido

      At times I wish I could just look at the paper and words would just appear. Its a new world so I should've said, "I wish I could just look at the screen and the words just appear. Too much is going on right now, I love a challenge but I can't handle all the challenges at once. She's telling me this, and he's telling me that. Soon as I get finish with one task, another is right behind it coming up. It makes sense but then it really doesn't. I'm here at work, doing work so I won't have to wok. I will say that again. I'M HERE AT WORK, DOING WORK SO I WON'T HAVE TO WORK. School, my job and all I want to do is make movies and write for people who are in to the things I'm in to.  Do you want to take a ride with me? Hop in and let's go.
         So I'm in a room full of future business owners or CEO'S or whatever the heck you call them, I'm not interested in that. The so called "Master" and "Mrs Know It All" asks me a question that a interviewer would ask me at a job. We were suppose to tell her what we wanted to work as and what was our dream jobs. "If you could be an animal what would you be?", she asked. Everyone bit their nails and looked up and around. I yelled out, "A Tiger". She then put me on the spot and asked why. I said the word, "Independence". I'm looking at her but seeing the rest of the class look at me as if I was stupid. Be specific is what I was told. She moved in like a lens zooming on a camera, even her eyes opened wider like the iris in the lens. She did all that just to say this, "How does being independent apply to any company, I wouldn't hire you." Now I'm listening to her but hearing the class laugh at me. I was being nice, polite, because I knew I was in public and around professional people but I had to flip out and introduce Class to Jersey City. I said, "What the fuck are you laughing for, at least I answered" and then I yelled at the teacher and said, "BEING INDEPENDENT TEACHES YOU HOW TO WORK ALONE IF THE COMPANY ASSIGNED YOU TO WORK ON A TASK OR PROJECT BY YOURSELF OR IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOUR COWORKERS". I calmed down and told her that being a independent filmmaker with no crew, forces you to learn every aspect of filmmaking, from writing, to directing, to doing sound, to editing, to casting the actors, to making the music, to raising money, to budgeting. I just wanted to write, shoot and edit. So because I didn't have a crew and was independent, I can work alone if needed to. How do you like them apples, I didn't say that part to her but I sure said it in my mind.
    After class my teacher had wanted to apologize but I was in a rush, I had to call up one of my actors to tell them what was going on. Yet, I was surprised that she knew she was wrong but I brushed it off and said its okay.  I'm off to my little professional meeting.
     Thought all of this equipment I have would have been football equipment but things hit you by surprize. That's why I do take things seriously in my classes, the teachers might think I'm not taking things in but just because I'm not reinforcing it to them doesn't mean I'm not keeping it for myself to use later in my life.
     I done left class to go to another class. I usually have my meetings and table reads at the school I attend. I figure I use my resources. Shit, they use all of my money anyway. I purposely leave the lights and all computers on for that reason but then I think about the environment and shut them off. Anyway, I'm call up Alfred. He's an underated actor. I mean he is good and what I like about him is that he's in to this shit. He's like that person in your family who could sing really good but never showed his gift to anyone. I'm trying to change that and get him out there in the film world as an actor, but this other actor named Michael who's halfway out there is holding me up. Its Ironic because I thought Michael was passionated about acting and would never leave me out in the dust. Sadly, right before shooting the first scene, he backed out. In the script there's a line that says, "You're gonna leave me in the dust, Be there for me when I need you the most". Mike was the actor who said that, too bad for me he is the person his character was talking to, in real life. There's a lot of actors in the world so I'm not gonna sweat it.
       Me and Alfred mention good things about Michael and both aggreed to move on. He said he didn't blame me and I was fair about it. It feels good to know that I'm not the bad guy.
       Wow, I have to post a freaking blog for my English class. I'm gonna call you later man, I say to Alfred. I'm already in class, on the computer but why can't I write? I'm so confused on what should I do. I really want to give up because I know a lot and enough to do what I want to do but I didn't come all this way for nothing and I'm not just doing this for me. I was paid six hundred bucks to shoot a video that I still have not edited yet. Why? I don't know. I do know but I don't know. I do know its because I have tons of work to do for English, Business, Sportswriting and even writing for my Digital Photography class. All of that plus writing video ideas for music artist. I would stop doing music videos but I get payed for that and I could use that money for rent. I have a job but because of school I don't work enough hours. Well because of work, I'm tired in school. Then because of school I don't really have time to shoot my movie. I want to quit my job but how will I stay in contact with my actors. My phone bill, rent, school is killing me.
     I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. Homeless people don't pay bills. If I lived in my car and quit my job i'd have more time to do school work. If I'd quit school I'd have more time to make film and work.
     I was confused and disappointed that Michael dropped out of my film. He is a really good actor and he had the look that I wanted for the film. If I was him and he was me, I would have done the same. I understand that he dropped out because I didn't have the shooting dates ready. This film was suppose to be shot in October, it's November now and I haven't even introduce all of the actors together. Things come up, and the world is not going to stop for me. Sometimes you just have to   I'm done thinking about this stuff, this is not the way she wanted to write this. She wanted sections. Is this even creative nonfiction? I think this is more of just writing out my thoughts. I need to wash my hair, all of this dirt is in my nails. I'm done, my next blog will be amazing, this one is just to get things off of my chest. I need a title. How do you say confused in spanish? Alfred is spanish, he would know. Hey what's up man. Na, he still doesn't want to be in the film but I'm calling you to translate something for me, would've texted you but I'm writing my blog from my phone because if I'd exit out it would not have saved. How do you say confused in spanish? Okay, thanks man.